"Dear Interstate and Lombard Fred Meyer's Fukk Butt"

[dated May 9]

I didn't mean to end our conversation on Monday so abruptly. I'd like to clear up the confusion and offer you my side of the story in with the hope you will understand where I was coming from.

You got out of your car that was parked next to mine. You have an awesome big truck.

I walked toward the store, ahead of you and your buddy. You said, "Damn, you're kinda tall. Aint you?"

As in most of my everyday conversations, I had to stifle my occasional Oppositional Defiance Disorder, which gives me an unshakable urge to respond to even the most normal questions with outrage and disgust. But out of respect and extreme grace, I did NOT answer back with, "Fuck you, Fukk Butt. assbuttnutsfuckshitragcumblast. I have gold toe socks and a lint roller to buy." I pretended not to hear you and continued to walk through the automatic doors.

Sensing my reluctance to strike up an engaging conversation, your accomplice observed, "She must be a man hater."

"I am going to give you a face lift with my back tire. zombiefuckcuntasshatetruck."

In real life, I picked up a basket. I have biodegradable kitten litter to buy.

You followed me to the greeting card section. And then to the soap aisle. And then, Fukk Face, you had the nonballs to say, "Yeah. A real man-hater. She just needs something from me and she'd change her mind"

"sonofamotherfuckingassballscuntdickshitdamnboobsbitchasstricksuckBALLS"

There, we parted ways. You to produce, me to home furnishings.

Apologies, Fukk Butt, my ODD seemed to have left me with nothing to say in Real Life. What I meant to say was, "DRINK. BLEACH. I need jillshit from you. In fact, I already got laid-- twice-- this morning by a real man who sings me songs and shares the sports page and writes me lub notes in after dinner mints. I am NOT a man hater because I don't blush at your fucking nar nar comments. I am NOT a man hater because I won't talk to you. I won't talk to you because I'm too enraged that the adrenaline made me unable to speak. I'm not a man hater. I just hate males who aren't real men. And you have shit for a dick. Fuck off."

Shove a fork in your bottom,

Anonymous